Participant ID: P18
Pseudonym: Chen
Age: 35
Gender: Woman
Occupation: PhD candidate in computational biology
Living situation: Lives alone in a 1-bedroom near UBC
Relevant context: Came from China for PhD; in year 6 of program; ABD (all but dissertation); high achiever, isolating perfectionism
Interview date: 2025-12-10
Interview length: 28 minutes
Interviewer: R2
Location: Online

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I: Thanks for joining, Chen. Tell me about yourself.

P: Sure. I am 35. I am a PhD student at UBC, computational biology. I am in my sixth year. I am — ABD, all but dissertation. I came from Beijing nine years ago. I live alone. I work most of the time. That is — that is most of what I do.

I: When you hear loneliness, what comes to mind?

P: My screen at 2 a.m. I am working on a paper, I am the only one awake, my whole field is asleep, and I am — I am alone with my data. I think the image of myself at the screen late at night is what loneliness looks like for me. Which is also where I am most often, so loneliness is, you know, daily.

I: How does it feel?

P: I have, um, neck pain. I have eye strain. I have — I think I have what would be called depression but I have not been diagnosed. I am tired but I cannot sleep. I forget to eat sometimes. I am physically not well, but I think the loneliness is what is driving the body issues, not the other way around.

I: Is it different from being alone?

P: I have always been alone. I am — I was an only child, my parents are now in Beijing, I came to North America alone. So alone is my default. The loneliness is, I think, the loneliness of being in a project that does not have anyone else in it. A PhD is — a PhD is a thing you do alone, even if you are in a lab. The thinking is alone. The writing is alone. And after nine years of it, the alone has become — too much.

I: Tell me a recent example.

P: My birthday in October. I turned 35. I did not tell anyone in my lab. I went to a hot pot restaurant by myself. I ate, I drank one beer, I came home, I worked on my paper until 1 a.m. And the next day no one knew it had been my birthday. And I — I felt fine about that until about two days later when it caught up with me. And I cried in my office, which is a glass-walled office, so several people probably saw me, but no one asked.

I: Have you found things that help?

P: A little. My PI is — she is a kind person but she is very busy. I do not really have peer support in the lab because the other students are at different stages. There is a coffee group for women in STEM, I go sometimes, it helps. I also — I have a person in China I talk to on WeChat, my best friend from undergrad. She is married now with a baby and our schedules are difficult but we voice-message back and forth. That is, I think, my main human connection right now.

I: What didn't work?

P: I tried dating Chinese men through one of the matchmaking sites my mother pushed on me. It was — it was very stressful. The men want a wife. I want — I want to finish my PhD. The timelines do not align. I stopped.

I: Have you sought help?

P: I have not. I should. The graduate counselling has a long wait. Private therapy is — I cannot afford it on a stipend. I have been telling myself I will get help after the dissertation is done. Which is, of course, not the right approach, but it is the approach I have.

I: What does your loneliness tell you?

P: That I have organised my whole adult life around achievement, and that the achievement does not feed you back. I have publications. I have a CV. I do not have, you know, evenings. I do not have weekends with people who know me. So the loneliness is telling me I built the wrong kind of life. But I am 35 and I have invested everything in this PhD and I cannot walk away now. So the loneliness is also a trap.

I: Do you think of yourself as a lonely person?

P: Yes. I think so. I think I am — I am, in Chinese, gudu. Solitary, in a way that is more permanent than just lonely. I am not sure whether that is the truth or whether I have just become it through years of acting like it. I think this is something I will need to figure out after the dissertation.

I: Anything that helped that surprised you?

P: My elderly neighbour. She is Chinese, from Taiwan, she is about 80. She has, in the last year, knocked on my door several times to bring me food. She does not know me. She told me, "young woman, you look too thin, eat this." And I — I cry every time. The unprompted care from a stranger has, you know, been more meaningful than I would have predicted.

I: If you could change one thing?

P: I would want PhD programs to take loneliness seriously as an occupational hazard. We have very high rates of mental health problems. Everyone knows this. Nothing changes. The structure of doctoral work isolates you. The structure has to change, not just the individual mental health.

I: Anything I haven't asked?

P: Just — I do not want to be a cliché. The lonely Chinese PhD student. I am also a person. I have, in my head, a whole interior life. I read poetry. I play the guzheng. I have opinions about everything. The loneliness is one part of me but not the most interesting one. I am hoping the rest of me gets to come out, eventually.
